A Lotta Mocchiatta

Starvation

2006-04-16T00:09:00.000-05:00

I'm really starved for attention. And it took an honest friend to tell me that. I want to thank her and spite her at the same time. Why? Because it really hurts to acknowledge the truth.

I'm an open person who values friendship and loves company above all else. And to be continually snubbed at the University of Chicago makes you feel really bitter. But that's not a fair assessment. There are wonderful people here who I hang out with and hang out with me. But when I do extend invitations to people and am continuously rebuffed...well, I can't say that I have thick skin.

I miss home, family, and close friends.

Big Ad

2005-12-29T15:18:00.000-06:00

Saw the TBS Funniest Commercials of 2005, and was definitely amused by this one:

http://www.bigad.com.au/

Whoever came up with the idea is genius!

Transitional Friend

2005-11-29T04:05:00.000-06:00

I realized after entering college that friends I will always cherish will be those I've had throughout high school. That's quite significant because they've watched me mature from a little girl in seventh grade to a woman her senior year. The understanding established through the years cannot be rivaled. Every challenge, every trouble, and every joy I've experienced during my years growing up, I've spent with my high school friends. How can anyone else compete with that?

And that knowledge is rather depressing. When I first entered the Chicago campus, I was expecting bonds to be made. But I realized within the first few weeks that that will not be possible. Maybe that's a very pessimistic view, but I don't really feel that close to anyone here. A year has passed and I don't know if I can call anyone on campus a "friend."

Perhaps I should give it more time. Maybe by my senior year, I'll have made valuable connections with others. But until then, I can't help but feel that it just won't happen. I already know what I've become and what I want. So does everyone else it seems. So if a certain criteria does not fit, it just won't work. College life. Ain't that a bitch.

Undone

2005-11-19T14:58:00.000-06:00

You learn something new each time you hold a real conversation with a certain individual. It doesn't have to be something earth-shattering; often times, it's a simple anecdote, a quirk, or an off-hand comment. And it's a wonderful thing, really, because you grow to understand one another better. It doesn't necessarily forge lifetime friendships, but it helps you see the other in a different light.

Uno

2005-11-15T03:15:00.000-06:00

Puedo verle
A través del espejo de sueños quebrados
No puedo alcanzarle
Una barrera de la reflexión nos separa
Deseo hacer uno

Sueño

2005-11-09T20:54:00.000-06:00

A veces yo sueño del futuro
Los miembros aplastados son perfectos una vez más
Y corazones rotos se reparan
Ay, los son meros sueños míos

Whisper Tremors

2005-11-09T03:58:00.000-06:00

a little earthquake left not a trail behind
its cracks too fine to make out
and the vibrations of it did not echo
completely unmoving, uninspiring

people like ants scurried along
continued as though it was all fine
but who would have known the pulse
as it beat rapidly to harsh demands

oh the aftershocks came like waves
crashing onto unsuspecting ones
and still no one paid it heed
until the earth was in ruins

Dawning Realizations

2005-10-27T20:42:00.000-05:00

Here at the prestigious University of Chicago, Economics is their game. That is, ECON is what most students seem to major in (that or Pre-Med). And I fell into that gap, but I don't know if I going to do that anymore. I've realized that I simply am taking classes that seem like the right thing to do.

And that's disturbing because the sole purpose of college is to figure out what you'd like to pursue. I don't know anymore. I've always wanted to do things within the international sphere, so maybe I'll continue majoring in International Studies. It's just that I don't know what I would apply that to. Moreover, I don't know what I want to do after I graduate.

It seems that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Many students realize that after taking certain classes, the particular major is simply not for them. It's just sad that I came to that realization a little bit late. Hopefully I can take up other interests and pursue them!

Lover's Remorse

2005-10-26T12:06:00.000-05:00

Let a thin layer of ice set in
Cover my metal heart
Until I am the frozen lover
My fire reduced to embers
You can make me

A vial filled with my passion
A tablet for my intellect
And a shot to bring me to life
Who knew it was so easy?

Get down, so physical
Until I cannot tell where I begin
And where you end

Crash into me

Admiral Theatre

2005-10-23T04:14:00.000-05:00

So...I'm back from Admiral Theatre. And it was quite interesting! Though not my first time in a strip bar, def my first time out with the boys. It was kind of awkward and exciting.

The minute we got there, I was ready to go and see what it the Chi Strip was like. And I was mighty impressed. Tim had a wide-eyed, dazed look. I swear, her tits basically grazed his face! Sam got a decent lapdance, and he looked happy. But I must say, my girl, I think Kylie or Kayla was her name, was by far the best.

Maybe it's because I'm a girl, but she started feeling me up (felt very strange, but turned on). She had soft skin and a great scent. And she was really into it, smiling and everything. She ended the dance with a kiss between my cheek and lip, a stage kiss.

The rest of the night, our table waited for other girls to come by. It took like two hours for Mike, Ronan, Brett, and Travis to get their shares. But it ended on a good note where Travis had Nikki the Doll dance for him.

Awesomely strange night!

Sorority Life

2005-10-17T15:19:00.000-05:00

Okay...so I did one thing that I did not expect to ever do...I went through Formal Recruitment. Yes, all of last year, I bashed sororities and what they stood for. And now...I've succumbed. But I think that's a good thing.

Meeting so many different girls, I've grown to respect and admire many of them. They're not like the stereotypical sorority girls you might meet at other campuses. When Sunday, Bid Day, rolled around, I got psyched. I was torn between two sororities: DG and AOII. But, after thinking about where I would fit in best, I went for DG. And I'm not regretting it...completely. It's just that I hope that I can get to know some of the AOII girls; they were so sweet during Formal Recruitment.

So yeah...that's the news of the day. When I got into DG, I was really, really excited. It was frickin' crazy. I don't know, hopefully this won't change me or my schedule very much.

Swim Naked

2005-10-15T14:54:00.000-05:00

So...working at Ratner is a pretty boring ass job. But a little bit of excitement helped alleviate such boredom.

A third-year swimmer was locked out of the locker rooms. And that was pretty funny. It was great eye-candy seeing how he was simply wrapped in a towel. Gotta love toned swimmers.

Yep...that's my blurb of the day.

Definition

2005-10-15T14:48:00.000-05:00

in my silence
in my pretense
this stillness veils me in

i see these hungry eyes
yet they don't pierce my skin
they are legend

thin layer of ice
melts away
and i am freed

this is meaningless
because i am undefined

Masochism

2005-10-13T00:21:00.000-05:00

My sweetest edge
Each time you meet skin
This relief comes setting in
And though you've tasted it once before
Each experience is sublime
You will always want more

I don't know when this had begun
I don't know when this will end
All I know is that I am entranced
So alive that I cannot put it away
And in this I am free

Break through that tender flesh
Until it bleeds through
So beautiful in submission
I have come to realize
There is happiness to be found

I wish to transcend
This flesh and blood
I would be half as good

Right Where He Belongs

2005-10-12T23:05:00.000-05:00

Adrift, afloat upon the sea
I still wait for thee...

That is what he had whispered
Yet I did not grasp his outstretched hand
And he vanished before me

Right where he belongs
Safely in the womb
I let go

What if the sea did not embrace him
I cannot envelope him
For it is not enough
He is right where he belongs

The question still remains
Like a ripple, an illusion
A shattered piece of glass
Delicate in its balance

There is no sound
And the silence meets my voice
He is right where he belongs
And I am...

Closing Fast

2005-10-10T04:17:00.000-05:00

These past few days, I've become fast friends with my RA, Sophia. It's kind of interesting how quickly that happened. I don't know, I usually make friends through a rather gradual process. But with her, a sense of trust established very quickly, so fast it shocks me still.

Just yesterday, I had dinner with her at Cafe Corea. We both talked about rather personal issues, and the similarities between us astounded me. It was strange and wonderful to share something with her. It was the same sort of feeling I got whenever I spoke with friends back home.

We then watched Rize at Doc. Okay, so I had high hopes for the film. It was good...just not great. I did like how the modern Clowning/Krumping was compared to traditional African dance. Also, the battles were so fierce...it was amazing to see human beings dance at such a pace.

After the film, we decided to go out and party. Unfortunately, DU was closed off to the public (bastards!), and we arrived too late to enjoy the AEPi party. So no...I did not get krunked. It was an awful conclusion to the otherwise wonderful evening.

On Sunday morning, Sophia and I proceeded to talk some more in one of the study rooms. I think we spoke until 6 in the morning or so. Wow...

With Teeth

2005-10-08T06:32:00.000-05:00

Wow...it's really late or early. Anywho, the past few hours have been interesting to say the least. I attended a NIN concert at the All-State Arena. Although I though the concert was not worth $60 (more like $40), it was an experience! This is going to sound so racist, but Trent Reznor is probably one of a select few white men I'd definitely fuck (of course, seeing how he's been using drugs, the whole getting up part might be a bit of a problem).

I really liked the fact that he performed: only, march of the pigs, deeper, hurt, and head like a hole. His voice is so awesome, really shows how much experience he has. Yeah, everyone says that because he's 40, he's a geezer and whatnot. Damn it, for a 40-year-old, he's awesome. Thought it was funny as hell that the minute he started performing closer, most of the women in the audience were getting turned on.

After the concert had ended, Oreo, Gloria, and I headed back to the UofC. And I departed ways to go to the Lamba party. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't that great either simply because it was getting too crowded. But I did manage to dry hump a first-year, Kelsey. And sort of molested my suitemates. Good times, good times. Didn't get drunk, though.

Dis-Orientation

2005-09-26T00:20:00.000-05:00

Hmm...O-Week has thus ended and school will begin later today. I don't know what to think. I'm a second-year, and starting college again is just...strange. I guess it's because I was here for Orientation Week to meet all the new first-years coming in for the ride.

Surprisingly, the makeup of the Alper House is very, very different. I mean, last year, my friends and I (the "Alper Posse") were very outgoing, socializing drinkers. The first day of O-Week, people were drunk or passed out on the hallway. It was frickin' crazy. But this year, the scene is fairly tame.

I think I grew out of the whole frat-party, drink drunkenly scene. I want to go out more to places like salsa clubs, restaurants, etc. Chicago's an interesting city, so I might as well explore it.

Foot in Mouth

2005-08-12T17:49:00.000-05:00

I seem to have the worst case of "foot-in-mouth" syndrome. You see, I'm thinking taboo, disturbing, weird thoughts, and entertain them in my head. And it makes for interesting discussions. But when you're thinking these things, you accidentally use them in the wrong context.

Yesterday was the screening of the documentary concerning Emmett Louis Till. I had wanted to see it. So I went to the DuSable Museum, and was excited to know that I would be watching it. However, I would be in charge of escorting visitors to their seats. More specifically, the visitors without reserved tickets would be seated at the way top.

Unfortunately, as many humans are prone to do, visitors sneaked down to the seats closer to the screen. I muttered about ungrateful visitors. I was thinking about lynchings and what the documentary was about. Then came the trouble with visitors. So clash that, and it made for some uncomfortable comments.

I threatened mockingly about the visitors, but said without thinking, "I'm so hanging them." Okay, when you say this to a group of African-Americans, you're in trouble. I heard a few gasps and realized a little too late what I had said. I felt so mortified, shamed, and completely guilty. I hadn't meant it that way!

It's sort of like how I would joke about hurting/maiming/killing annoying people. Except the words I used made an irreversible impact that I never intended. So after the screening was over, I went over to the two families who had heard me and apologized to them. It's so hard to apologize to people when your own words may have wounded them. The families were so forgiving and accepting, understanding that I didn't mean it in the lynch sense.

This was a process of growth and maturity. My insensitivity has crumbled somewhat after that dreadful experience and I'm learning not to be like that.

Venerated

2005-08-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

I want to paint a picture for you
In verdant greens, crimson reds, warm ochre,
All watered down in memory.
Past those scattered papers, broken woodsheds,
Those rusted fences, dying grasses.
There, look just beyond those weeds choking the very garden
And you will see me venerated.

On my knees I cradle his shattered skull
But his face is as pristine as the day I met him.
And God it was so beautiful each time he smiled
Like a precious gift, a rarity for me to treasure.
Little pieces of memory I store in a box
Underneath the recesses of my broken heart.
It’s suddenly all coming back together.

He’ll take that flask of bitterness
Down it like it was water.
Red-faced and contorted in rage, spittle and foam;
His fists felt like his emotions.
Each bruise a confirmation of sickness and sin.
But I would only sing for myself instead,
For a beautiful ribbon of scarlet, each different from the last.
Held apart for him, and held together at the seams;
I was barely there; I wasn’t there at all.
Shadow of a grace and I retreated to shelter
As he beat that shell in.

Who would have known the roaring fiend,
The caged demon awakening for the first time?
With the metal smiling its metallic gleam
We both reached for it, like final drawn kiss!
And as I released myself, and pierced him,
It was the consummation of all our bottled passions.
It was beautiful.
A spray and his body so light
That it floated slowly to the ground.
And I watched it all with surprise.

I held onto him,
And for the first time, our hearts beat in unison.
The understanding, the release
So bittersweet and melancholy!
I am venerated.

Connections

2005-07-21T19:16:00.000-05:00

It has been an interesting summer to say the least. Well...as interesting as Chi-Town can get...sorry, I am just naturally predisposed to LA. But surprisingly, I like it here. Yeah, I may bitch and moan about how times can get boring, I have no car, districts are so separated, and there's much less to do. But it has its charms.

The DuSable Museum has been an anchor in terms of sanity. I may find certain clerical tasks boring as hell, and there might be days when I don't want to give a fucking tour, but it has a certain pull. My docent mentors have certainly taught me information I would have never gotten in class. And the impact the museum has is profound as it is powerful. Each day I watch the docents at work, and wonder how I can pull of guided tours with such ease and charisma, how I can connect with the tour groups. There's magic that cannot be denied.

Well, I've just started to connecting to different people. Sad that it took halfway through summer for me to start, but I've started nonetheless. And I hope I don't stop.

Speaking to a Crowd

2005-07-15T01:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, my internship at the DuSable Museum is going just fine. Except I realized a few things. I've been a real bitch to many people who work there, often disrespectful and plain mean. I know I can be really sarcastic, to the point where even my sincerity can be confused with sarcasm. It always seems as though I talk back and question authority. I hope I can express my apology sincerely.

Besides that, I've come to learn many things as well. I always liked to talk, but only when I was comfortable enough with the particular group. When I first came to intern at the museum, I didn't know if I had the confidence to speak in front of strangers. After conducting enough tours, I've shaped the galleries the way I've come to interpret them. By understanding the different galleries, I've managed to tailor the tours to specific groups. So even if I'm uncomfortable with the group, I'm comfortable enough with the gallery that I don't worry too much about losing confidence. Most of the time, I come out unscathed.

Now, I hope that before I leave, that I can express my gratitude to my mentor docents for everything they've done for me. I've learned so much from them, and my respect for them continues to grow. Everything seems to be going fine, so I'm just hoping it continues this way.

Birthday Celebration

2005-07-08T23:33:00.000-05:00

Today was Sarah's birthday, and we went to the Mambo Grill to celebrate. The food was really, really good; I especially liked the guacamole and bread. Also, Najwa made carrot cake out of scratch, which was also very good. I don't know what to give Sarah as a present, but knowing how much she likes chocolate, I figured I would take her to the Chocolate Bar at The Peninsula Hotel.

Besides the birthday party, I had quite an exciting time at work. I gave two tours to groups of young children; it seems I have been pegged with the younger groups. Anywho, I gave the tours, and it seems everyone enjoyed it. Moreover, everyone was so inquisitive. It's quite exciting to know how curious young kids are regarding their own history.

For lunch, I had crepes. Yay! Besides that, I hope I wake up early enough to buy tickets to the NIN concert tomorrow!

Taste of Chicago

2005-07-02T22:46:00.001-05:00

Hmm...How should I describe this? It was the first time I've ever attended the event, and what a surprise it was. So, Paco, Najwa, Sarah, Jo, and I decide to see what this is all about. Of course, the heat's not too bad, so we're all thankful for that. We buy our ticket stubs for the event and proceed through the stalls. About half an hour later, we meet Matt and Megan. So it becomes one big party.

So, I had half a cheeseburger, one samosa, a "taste" portion of strawberry sundae, a "taste" portion of fried dough, and an entire bag of bing cherries. It was definitely a fulfilling day. We were going to see Santana, but seats weren't available, so we opted to go to the Lake and rest for a while. I fell asleep and promptly started baking. My skin's still red from sunburns!

But it was really a fun time. Though I don't think I'll be going again, I might go next summer or whatever summer I happen to stay in Chicago.

Banishment

2005-06-29T10:37:00.000-05:00

She whispered me her secrets
In that dark womb of night
Where voices carried over with the weight of the world
Like a lover she held me dear
But her faint caress
Did not leave me with the warmth of the beloved
She was but a dream

And crossing desert oceans
To see if she still wandered
I flung the ashes of the dead and pulled the stars from the skies
In anger did the sun flare
And cruelly banished me
Whence even the moon would not grace me with sorrow
I am melancholy disgraced

Salvation

2005-06-23T22:37:00.000-05:00

Yes! YES! YEEESSS!!! ::cough:: Okay, enough. But yeah, it rocks to finally have internet connection. I can check e-mail, ESPN, Ebay, etc. It's a marvel! But yeah, onward.

Today was the first day I gave an official tour. And I was touring somewhere from 15-20 kids, and it was quite a hassle. Especially because one of the docents were supposed to be shadowing me to assist me in my first venture. Well, there was no one there when the tour progressed, so everything went down the drain. Kids were unruly, chaperones were sick and tired, and I was starting to panic. I started to cart the kids to and fro from the auditorium to view movies, see an exhibit, then see the movie again. IT WAS AWFUL!

I stuck by them for an hour and a half, and I didn't know when to stop the tour. My mentor, Jomo, basically broke it down for me. I was done once I gave a tour on two to three of the exhibitions. But...eh. It was a real dud, and my mentor was pissed at his superiors. Tensions were running high, staff didn't like the tour group...it was peachy.

Thankfully, they let me go an hour early. So, I got a chance to eat a late lunch, watch Arrested Development, and relax. Wow...I'm getting addicted to DVD series; I finished Scrubs in three days. THREE. I am such a couch potato. So much for my fitness plan.

Wicked

2005-06-03T01:13:00.000-05:00

Came back from the Wicked musical. And I must say...IT WAS SO AWESOME! Stephanie J. Block, the one who plays Elphaba, was simply amazing; I mean, her vocal range was absolutely spectacular. I also enjoyed Kendra Kassebaum's performace as Glinda. Everyone was just great!

Yeah, the musical definitely deviated from the book, but I enjoyed it all the same. The sets and props were beautiful to behold. I especially appreciated the time clock dragon that was located at the very top of the stage. Its eyes would burn red at very important periods of the musical. And the costumes were so gorgeous!

Okay, I need to stop gushing. But people definitely need to check out this musical!

Summer Breeze

2005-05-22T22:43:00.000-05:00

The UofC's Summer Breeze was really fun. I enjoyed the carnival...or at least the 20 minutes I spent on the Quads. But there were many fun pictures to be had and cotton candy to be eaten. After the 20 minutes of fun, I went back to my dorm and got ready for the upcoming concert.

I was surprised by how good Julie Roberts was. Yeah, I'm definitely not a fan of country music, but she sang wonderfully. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists were so-so; some of their songs were good, and others were a letdown. But the main event was NAS!!! His lyrics are so amazing. Granted, there's a lot of contradictions from guns to peace, love to hate and so on. But he was great nonetheless. And the crowd responded really well.

I got to the front of the railings and one of the guys I know, Shane, was asked to come up on stage and do some breakdancing. He executed well, got to shake Nas's hand, hug the man, and leave with a lotta credential. I didn't like the fact that one of the people behind me had sushi. Who eats sushi at a Nas concert?

But overall, the concert was awesome. Then friends and I headed off to celebrate Allison's birthday. We drank tequila, amaretto, southern comfort, jack daniel's, etc. Basically, we got piss drunk. I then headed off to the 3rd floor. I don't really remember much. I think it's become a habit for me to visit Eric or Andrew when drunk. I know I had another one of my drunken conversations, but I can't remember what I said.

The Mars Volta

2005-05-17T22:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, so yesterday was The Mars Volta sold out concert at the Riviera Theatre. And it was so fucking amazing! I went with my two friends, Oreo and Gloria. There were also plenty of other UofC kids moshing there.

Now, when we got there, we squished our way through the crowd towards the center. And the moment the band came on, we made sure to push our way up to the rails. The first song came up and I was pretty much dying with bodies pressed up against me. So I made my way towards the front and I was behind some guy who was on the rail. I discretely put my arm against the rail, and each time the mass of bodies shifted one way, I widened the gap until my body could fit. It took a good hour to get to the rails, but eventually I was pressed against the cushioned metal. And I was right in front!

The band was so awesome! I mean, there were definite half hour jam sessions, crazy dancing, and great, great music. I loved it. Except the brunt of the attacks was brutal. The mass of bodies behind me kept pushing against me. So my chest was flattened out; I think I dropped a cup size. And my chest was red and bruised by the end of the show. The entire length of my arms were red and sore. And my stomach was...tender. I have bruises on both knees. All in all, a survivor of the pits!

When the show was over, around 9:45, the tech crew were handing out drum sticks, guitar picks, set lists, etc. I calmly reached out with both hands and had a pleading, happy, innocent expression on my face. So when the last set lists were being doled out, the tech guy grabbed my hands, said, "This is for you!", and placed the set list on them. Very little effort, great little prize!

When the concert was over, we all went over to Michigan Avenue, waiting for the #173 bus. Hungry, we walked over to some diner, and had dinner. Then we waited for about an hour, and the bus never came. We hailed a taxi van and went back home. It was around 1 am when I stepped into my room. I think I passed out.

Paintball and Bruises

2005-05-14T23:03:00.000-05:00

So playing paintball with a lot of other UofC students turned out to be quite interesting. I didn't know what to expect; I had very low expectations. But today was a pleasant experience...well...sort of. The masks were painfully pressing down on my face and was a bitch to see through.

The first game was fun. Running and sliding through the mud, I was able to shoot my way through until I got shot. Yeah, it was painful. I got welts on my side. Anywho, the second game was better. The area was called "armageddon" with piles of rubble, broken down buildings, etc. I helped protect one of the towers. And it was all fun and games until I ran out of paintballs. The last game, however, changed my opinion. It was a forest setting. And it was a bitch to play in! I had my back turned and the opposing team ran behind me and shot my head five times! Yeah, I have a bruise.

It was fun. It was painful. Maybe I'll play again next year.

The Peninsula

2005-05-07T22:10:00.000-05:00

My mommy and my sister came over today! However, there was a slight delay as they got lost in O'Hare. They were supposed to be in Terminal 1, but somehow, they walked all the way to Terminal 2 (my mum is so coordinated).

So we visited University of Chicago, and I gave them the grand tour...sort of. But they were mightily impressed by the dorm rooms. Then, we decided to split over to the Peninsula Hotel. My God this place is frickin' awesome. I mean, the bathroom itself is so nifty! After getting over the initial beauty of the room, we decided to check out Michigan Avenue. There were so many stores to see. And the bright colors of spring just screamed at you obnoxiously. And I bought a beautiful skirt at United Colors of Benetton!

Hungry, we went back to the hotel and ate dinner at the Shanghai Terrace. Dinner was so delicious, and keeping with the theme, we decided to have room service bring up dessert from the Chocolate Bar. Now, I'll just enjoy the luxuries of this hotel. You know, have a bath while watching the telly. Lounge on really cushy pillows. Watch movies and DVDs. I think I'll enjoy Mother's Day even more than my own mother!

Ephemeral

2005-05-04T23:41:00.000-05:00

Today was the funeral of my paternal grandfather, and it was a surprisingly smooth process. We all knew he would pass away very soon because he was quite old. But the shock of his passing followed by his quickly assembled funeral...well, it's hard to sink in.

Flowers, especially roses, adorned the hall where he lay in an open casket. And solemn organ music rang from the speakers, echoing throughout the well-lit chamber. I know this sounds so cliche, but he really looked like he was just sleeping. Granted, his skin seemed more sallow, and his body smaller, drained of its life. Nonetheless, he looked as though he was in peace. That made me wonder, for a long time, what it must be like to be dead. It's the second time I've ever seen a corpse, and they all looked as though they were merely in peaceful slumber. Is death that easy then? Is it something that grants you eternal rest? Somehow, it made the aftermath of dying less scary.

Donned in black, we all looked the part of a mafia family, as one of my cousins pointed, Grace, pointed out. Our grave manner probably didn't help with that assessment either. But yes, we were all very formal, from the way we bowed to elders, muttered prayers, and sang dreary gospels. It was a long, drawn out process. And when it was over, it was time to close the casket and begin the burial.

I remember the times I've seen my father cry. And I can count them on only one hand. To see him, and many other men in my family, shed such mournful tears made my heart break.

Police escorts in motorcycles controlled traffic so that cars following the hearse would not be led astray. From the local streets to the freeway, it was a slow procession. Orange stickers marked with FUNERAL separated our cars from the rest of traffic. Mercifully, it was a short ride.

It was deja vu. A line of mourners held beautiful stems of roses, ready to be lain against the wooden casket. A priest decked in black recited prayers, encouraging the family to move on. It was just like uncle's funeral.

And when they lowered the casket, my father's reaction was, once again, terribly heartwrenching. He regained some composure to scoop out earth and gently sprinkle it upon his father's casket. But goodness, the pain of loss radiated off him in waves.

It's late. But I felt that I should write this, to somehow make sense of today's events. And to somehow reassess what had just occurred.

Flickering Flames

2005-05-02T00:29:00.000-05:00

You know what troubles me a lot? Well...it's late and I started to ponder about my reaction concerning a very grave matter. It happened Friday...err...midnight, which makes it Saturday. But yes, during these time intervals, I received distressing news. But the events surrounding it that led up to my reaction was quite cold.

On Friday, I went to Sigara, a hookah bar in Bucktown. And it was a great experience. Except I ate my dinner too fast, and got indigestion. Now, mix that with lots of mango hookah inhaling. I got a little high and my upset stomach would not disappear, so I was pretty much miserable for the latter half of the evening. It was nearing midnight or so, and I noticed that I had missed calls. So I called up my parents.

I was a little dizzy and high at that time from all the smoke. What my parents had to say was not what I had expected at all. My grandfather passed away that evening. And I was getting high like a dumbass. I felt numb, and somewhat indifferent. And I think that last reaction unsettled me. How could I not care? Maybe it was my coping mechanism kicking in.

I returned home and promptly gave my parents another call. I've never heard my father so incoherent. After that, I e-mailed all my professors, telling them that I would be missing three days of school to attend my grandfather's funeral on Wednesday. I don't know what to expect.

Half-Life

2005-04-26T21:24:00.000-05:00

Sweet sugar lips and saltine eyes, abide with me. Absolve my slow stung tears that caress my rough-hewn cheeks. They glimmer with the merest hint of hope.

Embrace me with your hot embrace until I melt and we become one. There is no me and there is no you. For we have become oblivion in this continuum.

Deeper goes your lingering touch until it echoes in the center. And I cannot help but release these cries of bliss in this arrangement. Who are we but mortals in this pandemonium?

Sigh so softly as your breath fans across my flushed face. Sun-kissed and dappled moonbeams strike across you and hold me still. Let not your strength crush me.

Experimental Drugs

2005-04-24T17:50:00.000-05:00

So I woke up today at 8 am or so to get ready for an experimental session. I go to the children's hospital's entrance in order to get to the labs. Except there's a problem. I have to go through an entire fucking maze to get to the "L Corridor." It takes me a good half hour before I find my way. And to be honest, walking all alone on hospital halls is quite scary. I don't know, the sterileness of it all, the quiet, and the smell is just a weird combination of scary.

Anywho, I get there after trekking throughout the entirety of the 4th floor of the hospital. I give my urine sample to prove that I'm not a junkie or something, take breath test to show I had no alcohol in my system (although I did drink yesterday), and took 3 pills of the experimental drug. Then I went through a series of repetitive tests to see how the drugs affected me. I think I took speed or something because I was suddenly wide awake, alert, and could actually focus on something.

But yah, that was my Sunday morning. The drugs are now minimally effective because I could still concentrate during my math review session, and I'm ready to do more studying. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise?

The Fragile Bloom of Idealism

2005-04-06T01:59:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am an idealist. And I understand that an ideal is a goal that can never be achieved, but can certainly progress towards it. An ideal is perfection in and of itself, and as human beings, we can never achieve it. But that does not mean we cannot work towards progression. I believe that if we all worked towards a common goal, we could achieve it. And I believe that everyone has some good in them that could allow for success. Those are my beliefs. I suppose those are idealistic, unrealistic, optimistic views, but I believe in them nonetheless.

In this world, there is little room for people like me. More often than not, we are crushed by the burdens of reality. And though I boldly claim that I will smile at reality and shine with my idealism, that is talk. I have yet to understand the "real world." But here, in this safe corner of collegiate life, I can foster such delicate ideals. And here, they can grow, enriched within a bubble. And its fragility I will protect.

Because it hurts when people laugh at what I fervently believe in. The sting of their words is something they will never understand. Yes, I am an idealist, a ridiculous notion this day and age. But I am one nonetheless. These ideals are precious things that I reveal completely to a select few. I rarely talk about them, but when I do, I feel light and content. So when others deign to ruin them, rip them to shreds, they are ripping a part of me too, tearing it brutally apart.

It's late. I've blabbed on too much.

Consequence of War

2005-04-01T02:25:00.000-06:00

Wars of broken heroes
Of rusted shields and brittle swords
March to the beat of falling corpses

Raised fists and hoarse cries
They rush into Death's embrace
Far away a child sings
Notes of pure agony

Horses thin with ravage
Hawks with sightless eyes
This band of misfit warriors
Come together
Their last breaths gone cold

Wives and daughters
Violets strewn in their hair
Wait for their own

Endless battles enmeshed in war
Until the startling tragedy
Grievances and condolences
The price of consequence

Humanity at its most basic nature

Night Thoughts

2005-04-01T02:05:00.000-06:00

It's late or early depending on the individual. And I don't know if I want to fall asleep just yet. I don't know. It seems, during these hours, a spell is cast and I suddenly want to just think. It's during these moments that treasured thoughts resurface, revelations come to pass...or useless ditties plague my head. But the night has never been a boring period.

And tonight, I sit back and try to contemplate why I act the way I do. I wonder if I do it for attention. Or is it to merely escape a growing sense of insecurity? Surely I'm not alone in these thoughts. It wouldn't matter, because after the night is through, the day gives me hope. And I act accordingly.

But I wonder. Is there a place for me, a reserved area, where I can simply just be?

Lovely Disposition of the Woman

2005-03-28T16:33:00.000-06:00

I was dancing with a dirty blonde vixen
Loaded with a two-bit suckle and
We were drinking
Hard-pressed against the brick wall
Crushed our eager lips
Bruising till I drew blood

What could make a woman like that?
Her heated slip was not one for answers
Just a pretty thing
Handling brutal joy rides
Encased in soft folds
She was my crushed velvet wrap
Tonic of liquid fire
And she consumed me completely

Lightest touch
With the rarest hint of affection
The roughest sensation
And we were both falling
Who else but the silence
To answer our calls?

Salutations

2005-03-28T13:44:00.000-06:00

It's been quite some time since I last wrote in an online journal. I suppose it was becoming far too personal and the lines between private thoughts and public musings were starting to blur. It was disconcerting to see that some things I had typed away were better kept offline. I don't know if the same problem will occur in this one, but at least I'll have a source to vent, to muse, and to ramble.

Anyway, my profile should be a sufficient introduction to my character. At the very least, it will paint a picture of the kind of person I am. Granted, I haven't even begun with this...project, but until the next post, I shall be off.